In this past month, I had started composing a new post numerous times only to be distracted. My house wasn’t loud with the sounds of Disney Channel and 2 little boys hollering. My eyes were not diverted by watching mindless television or by monitoring the latest rumble between the boys. I was just distracted. At one point I had an entire post typed out, spell check and all. No sooner had I finished was I clicking the trashcan icon. Distracted or was I?
I have been searching my head and heart so much within the last year to try to make sense of this incomplete feeling. This emotion is different from the gaping hole that was created on that mortifying morning. That incomplete feeling was if I had forgotten something at home on the kitchen counter and it nagged at me all day feeling. That stemmed from my sheer sadness and grief. This new (not so new) incomplete notion is like someone is trying to shuffle me out of the door and I’m not ready to leave kind of feeling. They keep getting me out of that stinkin’ door though! I’m still sad that Wyatt isn’t with us, and I still have ugly cry moments because I need those moments. I don’t feel that what I am struggling with stems from sadness but rather a place of purpose and pride. Not pride in myself but the fact that I’m beyond proud to be Wyatt’s mom. I’m honored to live for him, along with his brothers.
The Lord has been giving me clues as to what I need to do but not laying it all out. (My control-freak self would really love that.) If anyone understands that you can’t control His plans, it’s me. It’s like I’m watching a trailer to a movie. I see some great moments; I see a scene that catches my attention; and afterwards wonder if I really need to pay a small fortune to go watch it because the trailer will be the best part!
Here’s the thing- I’ll pay. I’ll pay with prayer. I’ll pay with whatever else is needed, because ALL of my children deserve that. So, my moments of distraction…were they really distractions or just Him doing a rewrite to the script?
As far as that incomplete feeling goes, I’m going where I feel drawn and doing what beckons me. Maybe one day, my feet will over power that force pushing me out of the door so I can find out why I’m not ready to go. With Love- Heather