At a very early age I had become more self-aware than most my age. Life wasn’t always rainbows and sunshine, and reality sometimes seemed too much to handle. I persevered though. I held onto my faith and my ground. I remember one night talking with my mom when I was about 13 and I said “I truly believe that what happens to us makes us, but how we respond molds us. We still get to decide how we keep living after it all.” Whoa! I was totally clueless at that point how much I would need to rely on the wisdom of my 13-year old self later on.
So here I am almost 20 years later hearing that echo in my mind constantly. My faith hasn’t always been as steadfast as it was long ago, but through that, I’ve grown as well.
What has the death of my child made of me? I’m now a mom that sees more gray area than ever before. I’m now more sure of my beliefs and values than in past years.
How has the death of my child molded me? Because death is now a daily part of my life, I try extremely hard to take nothing for granted. Though I still deeply care for others and their feelings, I’m giving myself permission to not neglect me and my heart.
Wyatt’s death has shaped many people. I wish we, especially me and his dad, could have learned our valuable lessons while watching him grow up, but instead the memory of him will have to be enough.
His death and my grief have been a teaching tool but his life was too. He never took a breath outside of me and for that, each breath of mine is more valuable. He never saw the world from this view, and for that I look a little longer and try to find something beautiful in every moment I see. I knew his every move. He loved pasta! Every time I ate pasta, of any kind, he wiggled a little more. Honey Nut Cheerios soothed him. If I couldn’t sleep at night because he was restless, I’d eat a small bowl of Cheerios, and he would calm down and nestle right under my ribs. He moved slower but deliberately. He wasn’t as spastic as big brother, but every motion was in reaction to something I was doing. He’s taught me that; be deliberate. Have intention with everything and the rest will figure itself out.
Regardless of where I am on this journey, I’m still being remade and molded to be who I’m supposed to be. With Love- Heather