I’m Not Broken

I typically don’t write multiple posts in the same week, but something happened that compelled me (well, really moved me) to do so. Occasionally I’ll have people who I don’t know who read my blog respond to it. Some are encouraging, some are to share a similar sentiment as to what I posted about, and some are not the most uplifting. I completely understand by putting myself out there in this capacity, I am subject to everyone’s opinions and thoughts whether they be positive or negative. I’m never angry with those that speak ill of me or my thoughts. I’m often sad for them. I typically add them to my prayer list and move along through my day. A time or two, I have responded back to the not so positive comments just because I wouldn’t feel right if I let them continue to live in ignorance.

I received a private comment the other evening not regarding a particular post but regarding “state of mind” in general. When I first read the comment, I cringed a little. My defenses went up instantly. I then stopped and walked away. I took my mind off of it momentarily. I later came back to it and read it once more. Upon reading it the second time, I realized that this person might not actually have meant to come across the way in which I first perceived it. I did what I typically do at that point. I take what I can from it. Constructive criticism never hurt anyone. Add them to my prayer list and delete it. It has been nagging at me though, so now I am compelled, urged by my own heart to respond. I didn’t want to directly respond to the author, because I realized that her words probably belong to many. Being who I am and because part of the reason I publish this blog is to inform others, I am here tonight to give my response to everyone that reads this…..and she will.

You called me “broken” and you would be wrong. I am not broken. I was broken but wouldn’t you be? You stated “It isn’t right that people in my state of mind shared words of wisdom with others. We need fix ourselves first.” I find interesting that you know my state of mind considering most days I don’t know my state of mind. My days are full of little boy chaos, leading the proverbial horses to water, deciding which chore is absolutely necessary to complete once I get home from work, and getting everything ready for the following morning. Needless to say, I have a lot going on. The other point I would like to make and possibly the more important point, is that the only way you learn to live after you’ve buried a child is to surround yourself with people who understand, because they’re walking that road with you and telling the other people in your life really what’s going on.  Also, I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to be fixing. If you’re referring to being sad that my son died, you can count that out. If you’re implying something is wrong with me now that this has happened, nothing is wrong but thank you for your concern.

Life changes after a death. Neither you nor I have the answers for how to navigate through it seamlessly, but I would love to offer you some advice. (take it or leave it considering what you think you know about my state of mind) There are so many people out there that after they lose a baby or a child remain broken for a long time for various reasons. Some of those people will reach out at one point or another to someone. I beg of you, if anyone reaches out and tries to borrow your ear in this situation, don’t tell them that they’re broken and need to be fixed. They already know it, and they already feel like it will never get better. Your words will just reaffirm their hopelessness, and that is the last thing they need.

I AM NOT BROKEN. I find myself occasionally lost on this winding path, but I always manage to get back home. I AM NOT BROKEN, because although friends and family knew I wasn’t whole, they did everything in their power to help me help myself. So what if I was? I am blessed to have a husband and two little guys that think I’m the greatest thing since Poptarts whole or broken. I am blessed to know that my Lord will show me where I need to go and what I need to do, even when I doubt His goodness.

Your last statement was “I have never lost a child, but I know this can’t be how you move on.” You are right; you don’t move on; you just keep moving. With love-Heather

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