As I was standing up at church this morning next to my dad, with my oldest in my arms, while leading the congregation in “Jesus Loves Me,” so many thoughts were flooding my mind. I tried to drown them out by focusing on my son’s sweet voice belting his favorite line so that I could just be present in that moment. I’m working hard on that…being present.
I’ve avoided church for several weeks now, coming up with various excuses why not to go. The truth is though, I’ve really just been making excuses to avoid feeling more vulnerable. I’ve been a little angry with God over Wyatt lately. Anger comes and goes in the grief process. It comes from those very human moments when my faith falters and I’m a little selfish (or maybe selfish a lot).
So there I was in the pew this morning next to my mom while she held my oldest through the liturgy, the prayers, the songs, the Creed, and the homily. I listened as intently as I could to what our priest had to say about the Lord being the king and if we turn away from him, what is our world going to be full of? There I was. If I turn away from Him, even for a little bit, who am I really hurting? (me and everyone I come in contact with) Am I accomplishing anything? No.
Dad announces the communion song. My mom turns to me and says “So do you want to take Barrett up there to sing with dad? He’s been talking about it for a while.” She’s asking me a question, but I know my mom. It really isn’t a question. It’s her mom way of getting me to do things. So there we were, next to dad for the second song. I do miss being behind the mic at church. It was a surreal
experienc to be up there with my dad and son.
What’s Barrett’s favorite line? “The Bible tells me so..” The Bible says a lot, but when I look back at several verses that relate to losing a child, one in particular tugs at me because my anger or feeling of disappointment is because I just don’t understand. I have to learn that some things aren’t meant for me understand.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” Proverbs 3:5
With Love- Heather