9 months of joy! No, I’m NOT expecting again. That is what most expecting parents are anticipating…9 months of joy and all that goes with it. So many people get that experience. Even if the mommy-to-be is having morning sickness or other not so pleasant symptoms of pregnancy, it is typically still joyous. Hanging out in the bathroom and not getting to eat food, in general, gets old quick, but there is good reason for it. Actually, there is a great reason for it, so most women just deal and go with the ride.
Some expecting parents, however, only get a few weeks or months of true joy. They may learn that their child has a condition or abnormality while pregnant. Some of those situations result in the expecting mother drastically changing diet or habits or even being placed on bed rest for an undetermined duration. Some of those instances result in the parents frantically learning everything they can about a condition they potentially have never heard of, so that when their little one arrives, they are prepared as possible to be the best parents as possible for that sweet gift. While, for others, they are faced with the reality that their child may not live much longer. These parents are often times put in the position of deciding whether to deliver early so that they may see their child alive or continue on in hopes for the best. Sometimes, unfortunately, they might not have a medical support team that shares their values, in which this decision becomes harder. Even though I’ve lost a baby, I can’t imagine what that is like. The women that I have met that have had to make these decisions exude strength and courage to me beyond description.
I had no idea that Wyatt wouldn’t come home with us, so I was allowed my 9 months of joy. There were very minor hiccups along the way, but we seemed to make it through with no problem. My 9 months of pregnancy following Wyatt’s death was a different story. I was thankful for another opportunity to be a mother, but I’m not sure I would describe the experience as joyous. I commend women who have experienced the loss of a baby and choose joy over fear in future pregnancies. That’s something that I really didn’t do well. I don’t feel that I took anything away from Patton because of that; I knew that I loved him and wanted him. I just couldn’t fathom going through that hurt again. I have met women that have endured the loss of multiple children. Their strength astounds me. Their ability and desire to continue to try and build a family is such a difficult task, which they face head on.
The Lord knew what He was doing, though….as usual! Although I wasn’t the epitome of joy and sunshine during Patton’s pregnancy, He gave me the sweetest, happiest baby ever. My “rainbow baby” is more like a sunshine baby. I still have moments, days, and even weeks when I miss Wyatt so much that it hurts, but that little baby doesn’t let me stay down long. I know Wyatt had a hand in sending him our way. My littlest is now 9 months old! Time is moving beyond fast with him, and I catch myself just watching him, trying to memorize everything about him at each stage. He reminds me that I’m not less of a mother without Wyatt; I’m more. I work hard everyday to make sure that all 3 boys know that everything I do is for them and because of them. With love-Heather