You make your own sadness

  Have you ever felt like you’re not living for you? My answer… I’m alright with that though. I do things for myself, and I still aim to live with minimal regret. My life just isn’t all about me. Some days, I have to pause and remember that there is more to me than just being a mom and that I can carry conversations on about more than just tantrum throwing, babies crawling, dinosaurs, eating schedules, and all of the other random things I do.
   I guess because more time has passed and people see how open I am about Wyatt, I’m asked more questions these days. I don’t mind. He’s part of my identity too. On my bad days when people ask, my answer is usually short and to the point. No elaboration wanted, none given. Other days, I can go on and on about him.
   I know that we all grieve differently. Some people are very quiet. They don’t want to talk about their baby or babies. Some are more out there, like myself. I guess I feel that I’m the voice for other moms as well. We’re a joined entity, whether we want it or not. I know some mothers that would love to talk about their little one but just can’t. A few weeks ago someone told me that “I cause my own sadness because I continuously talk about Wyatt.” I’m sure my face read something very explicit, but I simply responded “No, what keeps my sadness is that I buried my child and I want him at home with his family. What causes my sadness is that I had a life inside of me one day and then it was gone. What makes me sad is that people are so insensitive to a topic of which they fortunately have never experienced.” In my mind, I had a lot of other very ugly things to say, but I watched my mouth honestly because I had little ears listening and little eyes watching. People think they know; they don’t.
   If you have suffered a miscarriage or delivered a stillborn or said goodbye to your baby, grieve in whatever way makes YOU happy. If silence is your preference, be still. If silence wrecks you, shout it from the rooftops. With love-Hea

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