It isn’t fair

Everyone’s heard “time heals all wounds” and “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” The author of these quotes obviously didn’t bury a child.
Time Heals All Wounds:
Time is an illusion in the world of grief. There were some days shortly after Wyatt’s death that I was fine and holding it together and there are recent days that I crumble like an ancient ruin. I think a more accurate thought would be “time is like a poor quality bandaid; you never know when that wound will be exposed again.”
God Doesn’t Give You More Than You Can Handle:
WRONG again. I know several people that are “handling” the death their child and appear to be doing great, but unless you’ve had to do it, you have absolutely no idea how hard it is to fake “being fine.” Some are truly doing really well and have found a peace with their child’s death but that is a select some and that “you” is in the collective, plural sense. I’ve been through a lot in my life, even before Wyatt’s death, and each life-altering event, I find myself saying “REALLY?!? Me again?!?!?” I’m extremely fortunate to have an amazing support group that always grounds me, loves me, accepts me, and helps me. There are so many though that don’t or that don’t realize it. Marriages can fall apart when babies get buried, regardless of the reason. Parents do take their own life, because being here without their child is too unbearable. Well-adjusted adults become reckless, irresponsible people to match the out-of-control feeling going on inside of them. So, yes, God gives us more than we can handle. That’s why we have will. Do you have the will to keep going when things are too much? Do you have the will to let others help carry you for a little while, even if that “little while” isn’t so little?
“Life isn’t fair” is another one we’ve heard and that author hit the nail on the head. Life definitely isn’t fair and neither is death. It isn’t fair that women who yearn to be mothers will never bear a child. It isn’t fair that babies die. It isn’t fair that life is so altered by death. These events, though they are undeniably unfair, they are reality. It is unfair that I only have two little ones to tuck in at night. Selfish, yep, but I get to be. It is unfair that baby P’s pregnancy wasn’t the joyous occasion it should have been. It isn’t fair that my rainbow baby reminds of my storm almost daily. It isn’t fair to him. He didn’t do it, and honestly I do feel that baby P was given to us because big brother put in a request to the big guy.  I don’t look at Patton and see Wyatt, but I often wonder about him. My husband told me the other day that he sees it in my face when I look at my youngest. He doesn’t deserve that. Sometimes it is pain; sometimes I’m just pondering; and sometimes I’m just trying to take in everything that is right in front of me because I don’t know how long it will be there. Life really is not fair, but you can choose to make the most of the cards you’re dealt.
Cry hard, laugh harder, love hardest of all. If it doesn’t matter; let it go. If it is worth the fight, do it, fair or not. Feel what you feel and don’t let anyone make you ashamed of it. With love- Heather

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