Looking back to move forward

   On this first day of this new year, I find myself looking back as many people do and reflecting upon what I have learned in the past 365 days. Here it goes:
   Being a mom is the hardest job ever! I absolutely adore my children and would do some crazy things for and with them. I’m constantly torn between “Am I doing too much?” and “Have I done enough?” With my oldest, that struggle is beyond real as we battle every day over being nice to his friends, learning to really share, eat something other than gummies, and use the stinkin’ potty. It feels like a scene from Groundhog’s Day with Bill Murray in my house sometimes. With my youngest, I wonder if he’s getting enough food, am I working on developmentally appropriate skills for him or am I pushing him. Do I pick him up when he cries or give him a wait time? Am I giving each of my children enough of me, this including Wyatt of course. Am I protecting and preserving his memory in a way that he would be proud? Do I let myself think about him and not always get sad because I selfishly miss him?Do I visit his grave enough? Remember when I mentioned motherhood is the hardest job? I’m leaving out tons of other worries, concerns, and issues that mom’s deal with. Motherhood sometimes puts the mom and/or the spouse on the back burner too.
   I’ve learned that this year, although it has been filled with joyous occasions, I let fears of the unknown dictate a lot of my life. I let my grief for one child take joy from the others. I let my own insecurities build walls to make day to day encounters more bearable.
   I can’t promise how I’ll change these things, because quite frankly, I don’t have that figured out. Grief has taken that sense of control away. I’ll have everything “figured out” and then BAM, I don’t. I do feel that my purpose has changed. I’m excited about some new and different opportunities that are coming our way in the next year.
  Thank you to all of you who have supported us outwardly and silently through this journey. It will never be over, but we’re getting out of bed each morning, putting one foot in front of the other, laughing  and crying, sometimes at the same time, and looking to the Lord to give us the direction we need. Happy New Year everyone!
With Love- Heather

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