Just Miss Him

   Have you ever walked out of the house and felt like you have forgotten something, but you could not figure it out? That’s me lately except I know why I’m feeling that. It is so strange how that feeling comes over me in waves. In the words of my teenage students, “the struggle is real.” I first had that bizarre feeling for an extended period of time right after losing him, obviously. It made sense. I had a house ready for a new baby that wasn’t there. I was on leave from work to heal physically and take care of a sweet new baby, that wasn’t there.
   As most know though, grief doesn’t make sense. Since the first initial months after losing him passed, I’ve experienced that bizarre “forgot something” feeling multiple times. Sometimes it is around a significant day that is approaching and sometimes it is a Wednesday on a random week with no real importance. I can usually hold back any emotion I have until I feel comfortable enough to cry or scream about it or whatever hits me at that moment.
   Last night, my husband and I were watching a show on TLC about people living with Down Syndrome. It is a new reality show I assume meant to show that though they seem so different, they have the same life issues we all do. We watched it for a little bit and talked about some things related to disorder. I stopped watching it before my husband did though. I just couldn’t anymore. Many people don’t know, because it isn’t definitive, but we think that Wyatt might have had Down Syndrome. We do not know this for sure because we didn’t do genetic testing while I was pregnant. When he was delivered, he didn’t have a low birth weight, as a lot of babies with DS do, but he had other prominent physical features that are found in people with Down Syndrome. When Wyatt was delivered I knew very little about this chromosomal disorder, but I have since done my research. According to the National Down Syndrome Society, abnormalities in the cardiovascular system are common in Down Syndrome and approximately half of all infants born have a heart defect. When he was delivered, there was no obvious reason why his heart had stopped. Also, I had no amniotic fluid when I went in that Monday morning. No, my water had not broken. Everything that held fluid in was still in tact, just no fluid. Abnormal fluid levels is also common when pregnant with babies with DS. There are obviously still questions as to why his heart stopped beating since I don’t have an answer that a doctor or medical professional could provide me.
   After my husband turned the channel last night, I thanked him for doing so. We briefly both mentioned Wyatt and how we were feeling. Watching that show made my husband think about our Wyatt while smiling and it just made me sad. Grief doesn’t make sense. He asked me to talk to him and all I could say was “I just miss him.” Sometimes that’s it; I just miss him.
With Love- Heather
** For more information about Down Syndrome: http://www.ndss.org 

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