I Still Cry

  I haven’t written in a while, but it definitely isn’t for lack of emotions. I can barely find the time just to sit and process what I’m currently feeling, much less type it out.
   I’ve been missing Wyatt’s hands lately. I’m sure it is because little brother is starting to really play with his and use his to grab things. Oh, what it would have been like to feel him grasp onto my finger so to say, ” mom, I’m ok; I just need to go help Jesus.” Anytime I think about it, I begin to cry, like I currently am doing.
   As I plan for holiday events, I once again cry over him not being here. I’m doing things in his memory and his grave is decorated for Christmas but that’s just it. His grave is decorated for Christmas.
    I find that I cry more just by myself. I’m able to hold it off around people and when I have maybe just 30 seconds alone, I let it out. It isn’t that I’m ashamed to cry; I’m still grieving. The perspective of everyone’s view of me is that I’m happy again. I am happy in a general kind of way. When I smile it is usually genuine, but I’m different.  Since I talk about Wyatt to most people without losing it, most probably think that I have enough joy and/or coping skills to do life without him. I cry almost every conversation; I just don’t let you see.
   I’m not trying to be strong for anyone, I’m just missing my little boy and not trying to lose it past the point of return. With love – Heather!

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