The funny thing about rainbows…..

     Here lately my heart has been heavy. It comes in waves. Sometimes the lull lasts for a day, maybe a week, and sometimes a month or so. For the last month, I’ve been missing Wyatt a lot. I miss everyday, but I find myself waking up looking for him as if this has been some twilight zone year and he’s been here all along. He would have been 15 months old today. If he was anything like big brother, I would be begging, more like bribing him to say “mama.” What would he be doing today if he were here?
    I gather one of the main reasons I miss him so much is because of his little brother. Patton has features that resemble both of his big brothers. He definitely doesn’t have Barrett’s personality, just yet. Does he have Wyatt’s? Patton would be considered a rainbow baby since he was born after the death of an older sibling that died in the womb or at birth. He definitely is a little ray of hope in my life. He makes me look at each day through new eyes and a new appreciation.
   So here’s the funny thing about rainbows though; you can’t have one without rain! If it wasn’t for the water droplets in the sky and the sun light passing through them,this magnificent piece of art above our heads wouldn’t exist. I’m not saying that Patton exists because Wyatt isn’t here, but I’m not saying that isn’t the reason either. I’m not God; how would I know? I’m not saying that I wouldn’t appreciate Patton if I had not lost Wyatt, but I’m sure I hold him a little tighter because of it.
   The other day I went into Wyatt’s box and pulled out the cap that they first put on him and his clippings of hair that I have. They are both in Ziploc baggies so they will keep their scent longer. His cap still smelled like him and his hair was still as soft as the day we felt it on his head. I wonder if he would have lost a lot of his beautiful black locks like big brother or kept it and have it growing out of control like little brother.
   This time last year, I was living in the “what if” world. “What if I would have not done so much? What if I would have just laid down that weekend before we delivered him? What if I would have scheduled the c-section for Friday instead of Monday?” That is a hard place to be and keep living. I’ve moved on (for the most part) from the “what if” world and now it is more of “I wonder.”
   Don’t you always wonder what is at the end of a rainbow? With love- Heather

This song always reminds me of the relationship Wyatt and Patton share. 

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