In the calm

 As I sit in my recliner at 4:52am, finally giving up the sleeping battle, I’m left with the silence and my thoughts on this emotional day.
  For the past 38 weeks and 4 days I’ve awoken every morning thinking “I can’t handle another heartbreak.” I’ve never been that glass half empty person, but there I was. Each day of this pregnancy has changed me. We’ve had a few scares through this pregnancy and honestly, I’ve had a few more that I told no one about. Many people assumed that we planned this pregnancy. We didn’t, but obviously he was in the plans. 🙂
   Today will be one for the books. I will face my biggest fear and walk back into a hospital room to have a nurse hook me up to a machine to listen to Patton one last time while inside of me. (I should be used to it; I do it every week at the doctor’s office.) I will walk back into the operating room that deafened me with silence a year ago in hopes of hearing Patton cry.
   Today I hope my husband’s nerves will make it as he has been so solid through this all. I hate to think of what will be rolling through his mind as he awaits the ok to enter the OR. That single chair outside of that door doesn’t look that comforting.
   I’m so grateful for the outpouring of love we’ve experienced since Wyatt became an angel and we learned of his new baby brother. We know that we are surrounded by hearts full of well-wishes, love, and prayer. I know that we have only made it this far because of everyone’s heart.
   Today will not wipe away the pain nor fill that space marked just for Wyatt. It will remind us moreso of that sweet little boy whom so many never met yet have been affected by. It will remind us that life is beyond too short and that we aren’t in control.
   Patton is entering a much different world than his brothers did and would have. He is entering a world that paths have begun to be blazed by his big brothers. He is coming into a world that has loved him long before today. Everyone will finally let go of a deep breath that they’ve been holding. That deep breath will carry something different for every person but will be just as meaningful and powerful.
  I wish I could say I’m at total peace with today, but I’m not and that’s fine. I have quite a few hours left to wrap my heart and head around what’s happening today. I am ready to do this though.
  With Love- Heather

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *