The Countdown Begins

     Tomorrow will mark me being 30 weeks along in this pregnancy. Oh, how this milestone meant something so different with my previous two pregnancies. It meant excitement, anticipation, impatience, and putting the final touches on everything to get ready for my baby.
     Tomorrow means that in 5 weeks, it will have been 1 year since I said hello and goodbye to my angel simultaneously. It will mark the first year of many years that I wake up every morning knowing that something is missing. 5 weeks from now I will face 150 new students and on the second day that they sit in my classroom, I will have to carry on, not letting them know, that a piece of me just isn’t quite right. They won’t know that after that dismissal bell at 3:10, I’ll be leaving to go to the cemetery to spend time with my child.
    2 or 3 weeks following Wyatt’s anniversary, I’ll be walking back into that hospital, going back up the elevator to that Labor and Delivery, back into that OR that my life was forever changed. Some may think we are crazy and wanting to be tortured since we are going back to the hospital where life came to a stop. I think that’s why we have to go back. Considering the circumstances the last time we were there, they were phenomenal to us. I’ve heard horrible horror stories of mothers in my position, and I don’t know what I would have done if I had not had Dorothy, our nurse, the other nurses, the anesthesiologist and his team, and  the postpartum staff there for me. Heck, I was even thankful for the construction going on. It was nice that I didn’t hear the newborns crying while I was waiting to be released. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll be a horrible mess that morning until everything is done, and I’ll probably feel like hurling until I have a healthy boy in my arms.
    Excitement, anticipation, and impatience have been shelved this go around. It has been replaced with daily relief every time Patton (oh yeah, he has been named!) rolls or kicks or punches, preparedness for anything that comes my way, and fear. I don’t plan on taking his bag in with us when we check in, but inside of it will be the normal stuff needed for a newborn plus a few extra things that I never packed with my others but will for him. Sometimes you don’t know the things that you really wanted until you can’t go back and get them. No regrets for Patton Walker.
With Love- Heather

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