Fruit basket of emotions!

The last 12 days have been filled to the brim with a variety of emotions. My husband, oldest son, and I went on vacation to visit family. That seems normal enough, right? It unfortunately began with me losing a grandmother though. We weren’t expecting her to leave so quickly, but we knew our with her was limited. Thankfully, I got there in time to see her and talk to her before she passed away. We didn’t have a service for her, just a simple viewing. I use the term simple loosely because nothing about that was simple in my mind. The last time I was in a funeral home was for Wyatt. I remember seeing him in his beautiful casket thinking it was a horrible nightmare. Bizarrely enough, that wasn’t my thought at all with my Omi. I, of course, was sad that she was gone and my heart was breaking for my mom, but I knew she was now better and no longer in pain. Crazy how one’s perspective on death is so different depending on person and circumstance.
  I had a great time with my family for the duration of my vacation, especially watching my son and our other great-grandson play together. I even got to celebrate my birthday with my family. That is a rare treat, but that day was beyond hard for me. I couldn’t stop crying for anything. All I kept thinking was that here I am pregnant again, going out to restaurant for my birthday when just a year ago I was doing the same thing at home but carrying Wyatt. He should be here, getting cuddled and kissed on, and spoiled like big brother. I had an awesome birthday night, despite the torment I endured all day, but then I would find myself having moments of guilt for having fun.
   Father’s day even bothered me! We didn’t talk about him and that bothered me but I was trying to be respectful of my husband and not push unwanted buttons. I felt so bad for me and as Barrett handed him his gift, said “Happy Father’s Day” and began singing happy birthday to him, all I could do was think that there should be another little boy here with us handing off this present.
   It seems like every holiday triggers something, but then again, everyday I’m triggered by something. I’m still trying to figure out what I’ll do for his day.

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *