You always hear growing up that when you get older and have children that your kids will teach you far more than you think. Wow! Isn’t that the truth? My wonderful oldest is definitely in the terrible two phase marching to his own beat right into the treacherous threes! He is a precious child, full of personality but the switch is flipped, he is just big in the bad way. Even so, he has taught me a lot about life and myself that I otherwise would not know if he wasn’t this way. When he plays, he plays loud and hard; when he cries and screams, he does so loud and long; and when he loves, he loves with every ounce he has and gives the biggest hugs, the wettest kisses, and the largest smile there is. This leads to me to one of the biggest lessons this rambunctious, witty toddler has taught me-FAITH.
I wouldn’t say that I grew up in a world of sunshine, rainbows, and puppy dogs everyday, but it wasn’t the worst either. I learned a lot about life and the way that things can be pretty early. My parents are phenomenal people; I would dare to say the best I know, but sometimes they struggled to keep the faith through everything. They showed me that faith doesn’t mean you can’t doubt or question; it simply means that you trust enough to keep going. I leaned on my faith to carry me through a lot of dark nights, constantly trying to encourage others and myself that in the end, there is a reason for everything.
Many times over, when I became an adult, got married, and tried begin my own family was my faith on the chopping block. I finally thought my absolute darkest moments were behind me. I knew things would come up here and there, and I’d have to deal with it, but that’s no big deal. I totally had this in the bag. Fast forward to August 18, 2014- SO NOT IN THE BAG! Faith flew right out the window, and I’m sure I gave it a little nudge. Now, I didn’t stop believing; I just stopped trusting. Who wouldn’t? My initial emotion wasn’t anger; it was confusion. Here, I had spent my entire life suffering for the sake of compassion and believing that everything in this life has a reason. Really? You can’t cut me some slack or give me break? What on Earth is the reason for this?
I’m slowly working my way back to trusting, but my son has a lot to do with that. Remember I said he is the one that has shown me faith. I miss Wyatt every second of every day. Sometimes thinking about him makes me break down like a baby and sometimes it makes me smile, because I remember holding him. Not everyone gets that opportunity. Barrett was clueless about Wyatt while I was pregnant but is extremely aware of him since he has passed. Barrett doesn’t miss Wyatt. He didn’t know he existed before he went to heaven. It has only been since we laid Wyatt’s body in the ground and planted flowers for him and made a memory box of him that Barrett acknowledges his existence. It is because Wyatt still exists. He is very much present to his big brother constantly. He loves looking at Wyatt’s pictures and enjoys helping pick out things for his little brother. He seems so sure of his answer, it is as if Wyatt’s talking through him. Yesterday, at the Race to Remember, he knew why we were there, and this morning, while visiting Wyatt’s grave, Barrett had a grand time talking to him and playing with Wyatt’s trucks.
Barrett fully trusts that Wyatt is alright and with us. There is something to be said about that. If we could all believe like we did as children, grief probably wouldn’t be so hard. With Love- Heather
Balloon release at the race