Reflection

I came across this writing the other day. I originally wrote it about 3 months after losing Wyatt. 


“The other day while driving home from picking up Barrett, I glanced in my rear view mirror as I often do to check on him. For a split second, I saw the image of Wyatt in his car seat sitting right beside his big brother. Clearly, this is my subconscious making me see things; things that I wish were there. I was instantly overwhelmed with a feeling of utter sadness, understandably. It got my mind racing though. I thought on it for days. It was all-consuming, especially in the car. I began to realize how significant the rear-view mirror is. Every time I use it, I’m reminded of what and who will never be back there. I begin to miss the things that would have been, even the things that inevitably I would loathe had they actually occurred such as brothers squabbling in the backseat over every little thing. I miss the thought of two little voices back there telling me about their day and sharing stories with each other. I miss the songs that they would sing together and dance to, with me, of course! That little mirror is a physical reminder of the empty spot in my life. 
It is also a reminder of where I’ve been. I have endured so much in my life. I’ve walked through darkness before and that’s the key; I have walked through the darkness. I made it out of those moments, moments that I wasn’t sure I ever would. Some of those moments of despair seem like short summer rain showers now after what I’m currently in. I’ve learned something from all of those experiences, good and bad. I’ve walked away proud for how I handled myself; I’ve become stronger with every storm thrown at me. I have to keep reminding myself of these things every time I look in that mirror.
 I speak with God more when I’m on the road. I guess that’s because I’m physically traveling and spiritually traveling. I always have. Looking back, some of my most profound conversations with Him have been on the road. 
It seems unfair to say my heart is shattered because that might imply that those I love aren’t enough to keep it together, but that isn’t it at all. My heart is shattered and each piece is full of love for every single person that means something dear to me, but right now the part that holds me in it, isn’t quite full right now. In my mind, I know that I did everything right by Wyatt and that I couldn’t do any more for him; however, the connection between my heart and mind is a little jaded. I was the only person that got to experience Wyatt alive, and though I treasure every little kick and movement I had, it tears me up as well, because I was the only one that experienced it. Yes, mom and Nate felt him once from the outside, but I went to sleep with his heartbeat inside of me and woke up with it there. I’d like to think that I’d be over the guilt stage by now, but I’m not. It isn’t guilt I feel; it is a feeling that is hard to articulate. I was his only protector here on Earth and I didn’t fulfill that goal. What does that make me? Inadequate? Irresponsible? I’m not sure if there is a word or phrase to describe it. It makes me doubt everything I do now. 
It amazes me how such a small object, such as a rear view mirror, can make such a grave impact, but it has. I am so thankful to have Barrett in my rear view mirror each day. He is the reason I’m strong. He deserves to the have the mom he had before and although I have changed, I can still be a good mom to him.”

After reading this with fresh eyes, I realize how much of this rings true to this day. I was talking with a dear friend this past weekend while on the road, imagine that, about how his lose is still extremely recent. I know the world goes on, and it should. I don’t hold it against people that no longer ask about how I’m coping with Wyatt. Their focus with me is this new baby, and it makes perfect sense. I completely get it; what can you say to someone in my position in the first place? What can you say now that you didn’t say 8 months ago when it happened? My friend told me, “that’s why I’m always telling you that I love you, because I don’t know what else to say.” It has been that unwavering love that has carried me this far. It will continue to carry me, because for a while that’s really what I’ll need, enough of everyone else’s heart to help hold mine together.
With love- Heather

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